DIE Statement
"Ding! You've got mail!" Oliver's computer blurted. He hated that damn message so much but couldn't figure out how to turn the notification off. He had sent an email to IT three weeks ago, no response.
Oliver's head throbbed from too many drinks last night, again. He would have to remember to quit after four Stoli martinis or switch to beer or something. The incessant after-office drinking alone or with other co-workers was getting to him. So far he had insufficient motivation to stop. He could still do his job. Squinting blurry-eyed at the email, he read:
"The American Bar Association now requires all attorneys to have on file with their firm a DIE statement. I know this is pretty stupid shit, but if they say we have to, we have to.
Write one today. Staff meeting at 3:00 PM. We'll read through some.
Dan"
"Fuck" Oliver thought. He could feel pressure building behind his eyes---part headache, part high blood pressure. He had not seen a doctor in a long time. It was 10:47 AM. "Fuck." He still had to call five clients, there was an expense report to file, endless fucking paperwork. “This lawyer shit sucks,” he decided.
He did a little bit of work, in the back of his mind weighing his life's decisions, staring ahead at decades of billing and soul-numbing contractual law…and drinking. He had to stop. He made a few calls. Another invite for drinks tonight. "Fuck."
Oliver quickly typed up his DIE statement over lunch---a greasy sandwich from a food truck outside. The tomato kept falling out and some sauce got on his new tie. He wanted a drink.
3:00 PM rolled around. He printed out his statement, and headed to the large meeting room, the one where he had to show his cock recently. Ridiculous stuff. No one warned him about this in law school.
Dan was at the head of the table. All the associates sat down, papers in front of them. "Everybody ready?" he barked.
"Diversity, equity, and inclusivity is such faggy bullshit. Ketanji, you're up," Dan ordered.
Ketanji was a recently-hired junior associate fresh from Stanford law school. Oliver didn't know her well, she rarely came out for cocktails. She was not that fat, but she talked too much.
"Ok, Mr. Baltic. Here goes:
'Diversity in the workplace is both a moral imperative and a business necessity. I value the contributions brought to this law firm by a workforce diverse in background, life experience, and cultural perspective. To celebrate diversity is to acknowledge, respect, appreciate and value individual differences.
Equity assesses and addresses individual needs in order to ensure all employees have reasonable resources and/or accommodations that provide them with a full opportunity to thrive in the workplace. I am dedicated to...'"
"Eh, sounds like a load of crap. No one cares about this shit. Should work fine," Dan interrupted.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Oliver thought to himself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"Oliver, go," Dan said.
Oliver replied, "Mr. Baltic, you know, I don't think what I wrote is really on target. You said we should write a 'DIE statement'. I don't think I got it right."
"Too bad, Oliver. Read what you wrote, I can see it right there in front of you, read it," Dan ordered.
"What the fuck am I going to do?" Oliver thought, sitting there in silence. "Fuck."
"Hurry the fuck up, we don't have all day," Dan commanded.
"Alright, I guess...," Oliver said, he could feel his temperature rise, the throbbing behind his eyes increasing, he could barely read what he had written.
"I'm sorry you had to find me this way. I hope I didn't make too much of a mess. All I had was a handgun...no no, I really can’t finish this, Mr. Baltic," Oliver muttered.
"Finish it or you're fired," Dan snapped.
"Ok...umm...so I decided to kill myself. I've made so many mistakes, mainly becoming a lawyer. Then I signed up to work at a shitty law firm and have an asshole for a boss. There's this fucker named Chad who is always harassing me. Then there's the drinking. I love martinis, booze, whatever. It takes the edge off this shitty life. Mom, dad, I'm sorry. I wish I could have talked to you about this. I wish you hadn't convinced me to become a lawyer..." Oliver trailed off, looking down.
Silence filled the room. Oliver could hear a snicker here and there. After almost a minute, Chad roared with laughter, "You thought a DEI statement was a suicide note? You're such a dumb cocksucker."
Dan chortled and said, "Oliver, I know suicide is a difficult subject to talk about. But if you kill yourself in my office, I'll sue your entire family and ruin them. You're suspended for a week."